Parenting and family, served with a shot of vodka
I actually said that to my kids the other day.
It is excellent advice if I do say so myself. My words of wisdom were inspired by a book we were reading for the first time: The highly-esteemed “Bear in Underwear” by Todd H. Doodler.
Here’s the gist of the story: After a riveting game of hide and seek with his homies, Bear finds a backpack on his way home. His animal friends are all, “Open it, dude! See what’s inside!”
Bear is hesitant but quickly gives in to peer pressure.
A horde of underwear explode from the backpack, much to the delight of the book’s characters and my children.
But as a mother and longtime fan of “Law & Order: SVU,” I’m like, “Holy shit, Bear! Call the police! Benson and Stabler need to see this.” That thought is immediately followed by, “Don’t touch any of those things, Bear! You don’t know where they’ve been!”
Naturally, the forest animals ignore my telepathic pleading. Instead, they cheer Bear on as he tries on every single pair.
It’s a Goldilocks and the Three Bears situation, except with underwear. Too big! Too small! Too loose! Too tight! It goes on for several pages.
I appreciate the silliness and laugh along with Sweet Pea and Superhero … until we come to this:
I know it’s fun and games to the kids, but as an adult with a vivid and not always innocent imagination, I was totally grossed out. And then, out of nowhere, those words calmly erupted out of my face: “Kids, let’s pause for one second. Never put on random, dirty undies you find in someone else’s backpack.”
The words were still hanging in the air, as though encapsulated in a cartoon word bubble. Did I really just f-ing say that? When are my kids going to steal a backpack that doesn’t belong to them, discover it’s filled with dirty drawers, and proceed to try them on?
The kids’ facial expressions told me I was just a ridiculous as I felt. Superhero was like, “Um… OK, mom. Can we finish the book now?”
“Yes, let’s,” I say, feeling like a total buzzkill.
In the end (SPOILER ALERT!), Bear, like Goldilocks, finally finds something that is just right.
Luckily, I was able to stifle my commentary on tighty whiteys. If Bear is happy, I’m happy.
At least this pair looks clean.