Parenting and family, served with a shot of vodka
My husband works at night, and usually doesn’t get home until 12:30 p.m. or so. I work part-time from home, many times also at night, after the munchkins go to bed around 8.
Our kids get up by 6 a.m. most days, so we don’t get a whole lot of sleep. Only one of us will get up with them so that the other can avoid being a real-life version of The Walking Dead.
But here’s the thing, it’s pretty much impossible to sleep in. Whether Superhero and Sweet Pea playing together, or having some kind of skirmish over a toy, they are loud. Extremely loud.
If I transcribed everything my son said during regular conversation, even at the ungodly hour of 6 a.m., it would look like this:
“MOM, CAN I HAVE SOME BREAKFAST?”
“MOM, I CAN’T FIND MY BLUE HOT WHEELS TRUCK, THE ONE WITH THE FLAMES ON THE SIDE!!!”
“MOM, CAN I PLEASE HAVE SOME MORE OATMEAL WITH FRUIT?”
And you ought to hear him when he actually yells. Lord have mercy.
Meanwhile, my daughter has perfected her high-pitched shriek, which she employs whenever she’s having fun, or when she’s upset.
So, that’s why I wound up compiling this list of things that are probably less loud than my children.
1. Midnight in Times Square on New Year’s Eve.
2. The Sons of Anarchy doing donuts around my living room.
3. Standing next to the speakers at OzzFest.
4. Blowing air horns directly into my ear drums.
5. Being in the stadium during the game-winning play of the Super Bowl.
6. A jackhammer operating directly next to my bedside.
7. One million children raiding their Halloween candy buckets.
8. Standing next to the Space Shuttle during blast off.
9. A gym full of babies getting their shots.
10. All of the Real Housewives of every franchise, drunk and fighting on a cruise ship.
Should I add “Your Kids” to this list? Or should we buy ear plugs in bulk together?