The Wild Rumpus

Parenting and family, served with a shot of vodka

Why vitamins are ruining my life

Over the past few years, it’s become habit for my tots to munch their Flintstones vitamin before we go up to prep for bed. It’s a routine I’m about to change to morning time. When bedtime is so close you can almost taste the glass of wine you’re about to have afterward, anything that doesn’t happen immediately takes too damn long.

And this process takes an eternity.

Each night, I pour a pile of vitamins into my hand. Purple, red or orange: Those are the choices. My kids’ eyeballs swell huge as saucers. They stare, as though this is the first time they have ever laid eyes upon Fred and Wilma’s chalky goodness, instead of it being something they do every, single night.


They hem and haw, sometimes talking out loud about which hue will momentarily pass their lips. They furrow their eyebrows in deep concentration, mulling over the enormous decision before them. Purple, orange or red?

Often, they’ll pick one up, lift it to their mouths, then go, “No, no, not red tonight,” then start the whole process over again. And I weep a little bit inside.

Dudes! I can see the finish line of this day, and it’s so close. You are not choosing the car you will drive for the next ten years. You are not entering holy matrimony with the vitamin. PICK A FUCKING COLOR AND LET’S GET THIS PARTY STARTED.



Here are 10 things that take less time than vitamin distribution at our place.

  1. Going on every, single ride at Disney World.
  2. Filling out paperwork for a mortgage loan with a broken pencil while riding a motorcycle.
  3. Finding a bathing suit that makes you feel good about yourself.
  4. Hiking the Grand Canyon wearing four inch heels.
  5. Recovering the next day after doing 12 shots of Aftershock. (Not that I’d know. But maybe my 23-year-old self might.)
  6. Writing a novel.
  7. Doing a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle.
  8. Potty training a toddler.
  9. Running a 5K barefoot over gravel.
  10. Eating the entire bottle of vitamins your damn self.

I am fully aware that someday I’ll miss how cute they were, and how adorable it was that this daily decision was so monumental to them. But not today, y’all. Today, mama just wants to have some peace and quiet, do some work and watch a trashy Lifetime movie.


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This entry was posted on September 9, 2016 by in Funny, Happiness, Kids, Parenting, Random Thoughts and tagged , , , .

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