Just kidding, school. I’m already taken. But I must confess, I am completely, wholeheartedly in love with you.

As of today, both my kids are officially back in school. This is extremely difficult, as I cherish and love them beyond words. Pardon me for a moment while I gently weep over their absence.

Oh wait. Did you see that? My bad.

Obviously, I love my kids beyond measure. Our summer was filled with sunshine-y days, road trips, adventures, water activities, the beach and more. Lots of memories made, loads of bonding time. When they get along and play so sweetly together, nothing warms my heart more deeply.

But y’all. Those innocent smiles don’t aptly convey how quickly they will also turn on each other. This year, my kids are at ages — 7 and 4 — where squabbling became a favorite pastime.

Every once in a while, they have legitimate skirmishes. But more often than not, they find a way to face off over, say, identical straws:

“I wanted THAT green straw — this one is too bendy! You are the meanest brother in the world!”

Or chairs.

“Come ON! That’s the one I wanted to sit in when I read Captain Underpants!”

Or cheese sticks.

“I don’t want the one that has a bent wrapper! You took the good cheese stick!”

You see where I’m going here, right? Just in case, here are a few other visual aides:

Another thing: I’ve also heard experts say kids stop learning over summer. TOTAL LIES. Over the course of Summer 2016, my two earned their doctorates in Tall Tales, which they’d often spin to get each other in trouble.

Superhero, Falsifier, Ph.D: “MOM! (Sweet Pea) punched me in the neck two times, kicked me in the booty AND poked my eyes with the fishing pole.”

Sweet Pea, Fabricator, Ph.D: “Mom, MOOOOOM! (Superhero) kicked me in the mouth ninety million hundred times, punched my arm and threw the hula hoop at my head!”

SIGH.

At each instance, I’d carefully mull over my potential responses:

A) “There’s no way all that happened during the 44 seconds I was just going pee.”

B) “If nobody is bleeding, you guys weren’t really applying yourselves.”

C) “Should I open a bottle of Cabernet or Syrah?”

Then I uttered my real reply: “Please separate from each other while I go count how many freakin’ days are left until school starts.”

Then, suddenly, as I was eyeball deep in the quicksand of whining and arguing, during a month that was, like, 93 and humid every day, Labor Day passed and school finally arrived. My second grader, Superhero, went back last week, and I just dropped off Sweet Pea at preschool today.

Never have I been more appreciative for school and teachers. Not only do they love on our glorious offspring and make them smarter, they give them a place to behave like civilized human beings who don’t start unnecessary wars over $12 twin IKEA chairs.

And kids, you’re the absolute best things that ever happened to me. I can’t wait to see you after school and receive your warm hugs and gigantic smiles. But right now, I’m about to take the morning off my refereeing job and enjoy a steaming cup of coffee that I didn’t have to microwave 12 times.